A decade under the influence

You know sometimes mobile phones can get screwed up,so you plug out their batteries and put it back in , then they instataneously work out normally , the way it did before . I wish I can do that to my life , whenever something goes wrong , I can just plug out a virtual battery from my virtual plug , installed in my brain whenever shit happens and put it back in , where everything will work out just fine . Sad to say , such things do not exist in life .

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and not feel that awful , familiar ball of gut wrenching dread at the thought of another day . Another day of smiling , pleases and thank yous , do this do that , grin and bear it , 'I'm fine' , 'Get your head out of the clouds'. Another day of the same people and trivial problems and meaningless chatter , and everyone's talking and no one's listening , no one's looking and no one sees anything . Another day of day dreaming about the futures , another day of feeling helpless and stuck . 

I wish all of that would go away so I could just be free to travel , do what I want , think for myself , do something that scares me everyday . 

You give me the voice to say it out loud

Its not easy, you know, having to carry all these burden on your own two shoulders. Having to keep every single information you listen to, digest and think and boggle your mind on them, to find that one precise solution only for the best of your people. Having to sacrifice every single minute, every free hour which belongs to you for other people's importance, for other people's benefits, but for your own satisfaction. 

Having to churn whatever people say, ignoring your feelings inside, leaving aside everything you seem to like. Having to understand people and accept the fact that people will never understand you- all they know is that you need to be perfect. Having to wake up every single morning, forgetting yesterday's bitterness and willing to accept any form of challenge He wants you to face, no matter how high the tide might be. 

Having to cry in your heart and make sure no one listens because they say, 'Then, you'll lose your pride.'. Having to remind yourself that you're as strong as steel and as brave as a lion, that if anything happens to you, you know you have got the biggest faith in you and there is no chance you'll regret. Having to learn how to care less about yourself and give all the attention to the others because you know that they dearly need you. Having to consult and advise, looking all wise when you actually, dreadfully need the same thing, but they think you need none of it because they label you WISE. Having to look like the stupidest kid in class and admit that you are not a brainiac or a super genius to cope up with all this crap and lies. 

Having to walk your life with the heaviest, heartless heart being so sure that nobody is concerned about you to at least know that all you need is a lending help and pieces of comforting words to release some laughter and carve a smile on your crooked face. Having to alleviate the tense, fight for the right, free yourself from strangling conditions- between pressurizing people who only know how to find faults, they're blind to see every hardships that you've crawled.

I talk about this here, and no where else.

Trying to connect the dots

TO SEE ALL THE LIGHT FADES AWAY

Tighten your seat belts as you will go through a journey with sparkly accents and eccentric shades that enhances everything within 2011 ; WHISPERS AN OVERWHELMING INVITATION ! 2011 looks like a promising year :DD

I know this post is cliche but HAPPY NEW YEAR ♥

Lets kick some asses !

I don't live to please you

I've been really busy . Sorry for abandoning again . It's the fourth week of 2011 . It has been a biatch for me . No joke . Lately I feel as if I'm in a constant melancholic state . Nothing feels or seems important to me anymore . I've been trying to avoid such foul feeling , but all of these unfamiliar , vexation gestures around me just doesn't help that much . Thanks for making me feel like a total life ruiner , your verbal actions showed it all . Not just a particular person , but a bunch . And to be honest , I don't even have a slight mere of heart for any of you heinous kind of people . What happened to the phrase; "Never judge a book by its cover" that your parents have been educating you all this while ? 

Please , Oh dear God , please don't give me detachment for me to write as an epiphany .

I have never in my life , felt this way before . Like the whole world is turning it's back on me , stepping on me , spitting on me . Seeing me as a sinful , immoral person . Never . What have they done to me ? I have put myself in a shoe full of manners , and controllable anger . But they treat me this way back ?

If this is just a part of Allah's challenge to me , then I'll take it as it is , because I believe this all going to lead to something .

I was enchanted to meet you

There's only two more days left in 2010 . Time passes by fast . And I was like wow . 

So how was 2010 for me ? Much better than I expected . Last year , all that I could say about 2010 was "2010's gonna suck , EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS " . But really , this year hasn't been that bad .

I guess that brings us to how I've changed . Contrary to what most people believe , I'm not that open with my feelings as I was before . There are quite a number of people ( I liked to believe I trust ) who I do tell them what's on my mind especially when I'm feeling like crap , but there's a whole lot more to that . I've never really told anyone everything about myself . Obviously there are some things that you gotta keep to yourself right ? But what I mean is , I guess I don't trust anyone enough to tell them about how I really , really feel sometimes . Get me ? No ? I don't think so . Because at the end of the day , the only person you can trust is yourself . True in some ways , but sometimes I doubt if I can even trust myself . And it's hard to really trust others because when you do , you're putting yourself in risk of getting hurt . In fact , you know you're gonna get hurt eventually when you trust someone you know ? But I guess even so , there are some people who are worth getting hurt for . If we all understand that everyone has their own battle to fight , insecurities to face , loves to contend and goals to attain , the world would be a gentler place .

Damnit , I'm beginning to talk crap . What happened to the talk of 2010 ?

There's really nothing much to elaborate I guess . Studies ? We'll how that goes next year . Finger crossed .

When reality speaks

One day , this all will become a part of the past we reminisce and laugh at . All our problems now will seem insignificant , the result of being young and naive . One day , this too , will pass us by and life will go on , things will change . Despite that , I don't live for the future . I live for now , because to me , right now is the only time that I've been guaranteed . I can't say for sure that I'll be here tomorrow . The present and what you do in it will determine how your world transitions , which path forward it will take out the unfathomable amounts of paths it could . 

The point is , even though all my problems now will fade , and eventually become something to look back on , I can't help but worry about them , can't help but try and think of a solution even though I know I'm not going to find one as I'm not one for dramatics , so I suppose I'll sit this out and watch from the side lines . Fate twists and turns in ways we cannot imagine and will never be able to comprehend . Sometimes it defies all law and logic of life , turning the blackest darkness into light . Other times , it crushes hopes into sorrow , and all we can do is sit and watch . Some people accept fate the way it is , others try to attempt it and change themselves , but in the end what is meant to happen will happen , and what isn't never will .

Undeniable

Memories don't go away , they just fade . Like deep scars , you can still see them after they are gone , or at the very least , you can feel them . They're still there , just a little less obvious , a little less painful than before . Nothing ever fades away completely , nothing disintegrates and ceases to exist completely . Forgetting something isn't hard . It's impossible . Hiding the memories away so you can't see them anymore , or pretending like it never happened , now that's possible but nothing , absolutely nothing , can stop those memories from appearing time to time , when they're tired of being locked away . When something draws them out . 

Life comes with no erasers , only correction tape . Correction tape covers things up but they're still there .