I think I feel too strongly. Most of the time, I can't even comprehend why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I'm scared for no reason, nostalgic over the smallest things and lately, I've been jealous because of things that don't even matter. Even a single sentence which probably doesn't even have any meaning makes me feel like picking up my laptop and hurling it against a wall, and the feeling shakes me until I can't take it anymore and it all comes out like a volcanic eruption when really, it's only the equivalent a small wave, or a slight tremor. The way I perceive things is messed up, I take things much heavier than they should be taken.
Maybe it's because my expectations of people are too high, maybe it's because I just expect the best in everyone, and when I realize they're flawed, just like everyone else, I don't know the right way to handle it, even when it's happened so many times now. Or maybe it's because of the way I see the world- I always see people question unfamiliar things, they stop to worry about what if, and what could be when they could just leap, but the problem with leaping is you never stop to think about what obstacles you have to face on the way down.
The real question isn't why I feel this way though, it's whether I'm content with feeling this way. I wonder, what it feels like to be the kind of person that can make themselves not feel. I wonder what it's like to be the kind of person that doesn't care, that takes everything in their stride. I wonder, but I don't want to be. I suppose I'm alright with my overwhelming feelings because in the end, what am I supposed to do about it? It's not like I can flick a switch and turn my feelings off and I don't want to go to some psychiatric hospital to get my brain lobotomized or anything.
I guess there are some things I still have to learn- like acceptance, and more importantly, faith. I have faith in Allah, in my family, but I've been taught to have faith in those all my life. Now I need to learn how to have faith in others, and I need to learn how to do it on my own. Slowly, now.
Maybe it's because my expectations of people are too high, maybe it's because I just expect the best in everyone, and when I realize they're flawed, just like everyone else, I don't know the right way to handle it, even when it's happened so many times now. Or maybe it's because of the way I see the world- I always see people question unfamiliar things, they stop to worry about what if, and what could be when they could just leap, but the problem with leaping is you never stop to think about what obstacles you have to face on the way down.
The real question isn't why I feel this way though, it's whether I'm content with feeling this way. I wonder, what it feels like to be the kind of person that can make themselves not feel. I wonder what it's like to be the kind of person that doesn't care, that takes everything in their stride. I wonder, but I don't want to be. I suppose I'm alright with my overwhelming feelings because in the end, what am I supposed to do about it? It's not like I can flick a switch and turn my feelings off and I don't want to go to some psychiatric hospital to get my brain lobotomized or anything.
I guess there are some things I still have to learn- like acceptance, and more importantly, faith. I have faith in Allah, in my family, but I've been taught to have faith in those all my life. Now I need to learn how to have faith in others, and I need to learn how to do it on my own. Slowly, now.
