Leave some morphine at my door

Been trying to figure out what's wrong with myself. I feel numb in the mind, I'm not even kidding. I may be right here typing this, but I can tell you half of my concentration isn't even here. Feels like I'm dying. And no, I'm pretty sure I'm not on drugs. Oh well.

There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing and pleasing everyone and trying to fix every single thing. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.

Do you ever wake up, realise nobody likes you, and I don't know, care ?

I'm writing you this because I know if say what I have to say to your face, I will probably punch you right now.  Fucking hell it hurts so much seeing things I don't want to see or know.

I'm just saying you know. GOTTA LOVE LIFE LIKE WOOOOOO (Y)

All of my regrets are nothing new

I think I feel too strongly. Most of the time, I can't even comprehend why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I'm scared for no reason, nostalgic over the smallest things and lately, I've been jealous because of things that don't even matter. Even a single sentence which probably doesn't even have any meaning makes me feel like picking up my laptop and hurling it against a wall, and the feeling shakes me until I can't take it anymore and it all comes out like a volcanic eruption when really, it's only the equivalent a small wave, or a slight tremor. The way I perceive things is messed up, I take things much heavier than they should be taken.

Maybe it's because my expectations of people are too high, maybe it's because I just expect the best in everyone, and when I realize they're flawed, just like everyone else, I don't know the right way to handle it, even when it's happened so many times now. Or maybe it's because of the way I see the world- I always see people question unfamiliar things, they stop to worry about what if, and what could be when they could just leap, but the problem with leaping is you never stop to think about what obstacles you have to face on the way down.

The real question isn't why I feel this way though, it's whether I'm content with feeling this way. I wonder, what it feels like to be the kind of person that can make themselves not feel. I wonder what it's like to be the kind of person that doesn't care, that takes everything in their stride. I wonder, but I don't want to be. I suppose I'm alright with my overwhelming feelings because in the end, what am I supposed to do about it? It's not like I can flick a switch and turn my feelings off and I don't want to go to some psychiatric hospital to get my brain lobotomized or anything.

I guess there are some things I still have to learn- like acceptance, and more importantly, faith. I have faith in Allah, in my family, but I've been taught to have faith in those all my life. Now I need to learn how to have faith in others, and I need to learn how to do it on my own. Slowly, now.

There's always an exception

I don't know whether I can even put into words how much my mum means to me, but that doesn't mean I can't try. All my life I've been mostly with my mum. Through everything, she was the one holding my hand, telling me what to do, saying things would be okay. Now I'm older, you'd expect that to change-but it hasn't. No matter how much shit I do, my mum is still there guiding me, showing me the way when I can't see.

She's always been my shoulder to cry on, and she's always been so supportive. When I need something, she'll get it for me, when I need someone to talk to, she'll be there. She'll still be there with her supportive hugs and comforting words and I will never be thankful to anyone. I wish I could give my mom the world, and if I had one wish, I'd use it wishing that she'll always have everything she could possibly want and need.

Later in life, when I become a parent, I would be happy to be even half the mother my mom is. When I grow older, I want nothing more than to make her proud. I swear, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't try at all in school, I wouldn't bother at all, but I want her to have a daughter she'll be proud of.

I love you more than anything, mom. I'm sorry for anything I might have done that made you sad, that made you feel you haven't been a good parent, because you have. You've been a better mom to me than anyone else could ever be.


Happy Mother's Day ♥

 

A decade under the influence

You know sometimes mobile phones can get screwed up,so you plug out their batteries and put it back in , then they instataneously work out normally , the way it did before . I wish I can do that to my life , whenever something goes wrong , I can just plug out a virtual battery from my virtual plug , installed in my brain whenever shit happens and put it back in , where everything will work out just fine . Sad to say , such things do not exist in life .

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and not feel that awful , familiar ball of gut wrenching dread at the thought of another day . Another day of smiling , pleases and thank yous , do this do that , grin and bear it , 'I'm fine' , 'Get your head out of the clouds'. Another day of the same people and trivial problems and meaningless chatter , and everyone's talking and no one's listening , no one's looking and no one sees anything . Another day of day dreaming about the futures , another day of feeling helpless and stuck . 

I wish all of that would go away so I could just be free to travel , do what I want , think for myself , do something that scares me everyday . 

You give me the voice to say it out loud

Its not easy, you know, having to carry all these burden on your own two shoulders. Having to keep every single information you listen to, digest and think and boggle your mind on them, to find that one precise solution only for the best of your people. Having to sacrifice every single minute, every free hour which belongs to you for other people's importance, for other people's benefits, but for your own satisfaction. 

Having to churn whatever people say, ignoring your feelings inside, leaving aside everything you seem to like. Having to understand people and accept the fact that people will never understand you- all they know is that you need to be perfect. Having to wake up every single morning, forgetting yesterday's bitterness and willing to accept any form of challenge He wants you to face, no matter how high the tide might be. 

Having to cry in your heart and make sure no one listens because they say, 'Then, you'll lose your pride.'. Having to remind yourself that you're as strong as steel and as brave as a lion, that if anything happens to you, you know you have got the biggest faith in you and there is no chance you'll regret. Having to learn how to care less about yourself and give all the attention to the others because you know that they dearly need you. Having to consult and advise, looking all wise when you actually, dreadfully need the same thing, but they think you need none of it because they label you WISE. Having to look like the stupidest kid in class and admit that you are not a brainiac or a super genius to cope up with all this crap and lies. 

Having to walk your life with the heaviest, heartless heart being so sure that nobody is concerned about you to at least know that all you need is a lending help and pieces of comforting words to release some laughter and carve a smile on your crooked face. Having to alleviate the tense, fight for the right, free yourself from strangling conditions- between pressurizing people who only know how to find faults, they're blind to see every hardships that you've crawled.

I talk about this here, and no where else.

Trying to connect the dots

TO SEE ALL THE LIGHT FADES AWAY

Tighten your seat belts as you will go through a journey with sparkly accents and eccentric shades that enhances everything within 2011 ; WHISPERS AN OVERWHELMING INVITATION ! 2011 looks like a promising year :DD

I know this post is cliche but HAPPY NEW YEAR ♥

Lets kick some asses !

I don't live to please you

I've been really busy . Sorry for abandoning again . It's the fourth week of 2011 . It has been a biatch for me . No joke . Lately I feel as if I'm in a constant melancholic state . Nothing feels or seems important to me anymore . I've been trying to avoid such foul feeling , but all of these unfamiliar , vexation gestures around me just doesn't help that much . Thanks for making me feel like a total life ruiner , your verbal actions showed it all . Not just a particular person , but a bunch . And to be honest , I don't even have a slight mere of heart for any of you heinous kind of people . What happened to the phrase; "Never judge a book by its cover" that your parents have been educating you all this while ? 

Please , Oh dear God , please don't give me detachment for me to write as an epiphany .

I have never in my life , felt this way before . Like the whole world is turning it's back on me , stepping on me , spitting on me . Seeing me as a sinful , immoral person . Never . What have they done to me ? I have put myself in a shoe full of manners , and controllable anger . But they treat me this way back ?

If this is just a part of Allah's challenge to me , then I'll take it as it is , because I believe this all going to lead to something .