And know that ease comes with hardship

It is the most amazing thing that you should continue to be unmindful, chasing after vain desires, wasting your time in disregard of this most important matter, for you are being driven at a fierce pace towards death, day and night, hour by hour, like in a blink of an eye.

"Whoever chooses to follow the right path, follows it but for his own good and whoever goes astray, goes but astray to his own hurt"

How easily we take things for granted.

I watched it begin again

It's been a wicked ride yet priceless.

 A super quick update about this year; there's so much of catching up to do. Sometimes I do feel like I miss blogging, craving to express all the mixed emotions and blurt it out to the whole world. So maybe I'll just write whatever that seems significant that happened while I was away.

Life has been one heck of a roller coaster ride. Going on hiatus due to the torturing draggy-finals I have. I can't believe my blog is abandoned for so long. I didn't have the urge to blog and of course, the time. Speaking of the devil, my results were Alhamdulillah, pretty good I guess. I have put quite an effort for this shit and worked my ass off, well sort of hehe. As usual, I screwed up languages oh yes. Yesterday was super hectic. In fact, it was a major chaos. I unpacked my books and went through all of my stuffs, carried them with my own bare hands. Sweating all the way, I'm telling you. Glad 'twas over.

2012 was about to come to its end. My holiday started off quite well. Everything was just peaceful; I felt so serene. But everything is never as it seems and completely diverse when I get back. It kept bugging my mind and I just can't help but to think and simply get worried about all of those little things and not to forget the last-batch PMR thingy sigh. Somehow it scares the hell out of me, yikes! Finally, picked up my study mojo but I just can't seem to start. It's just too much to digest at this hour.

I have soooo many ideas to do for the holiday. So here are some things I might be doing during the break;

• Travelling
• Out with friends
• Study for PMR (Let's give a try, shall we?)
• Start signing up for tuition classes
• Sleep ( Ah those sleepless nights)

So now, I do most of the time hibernating in my room, typical me. Guess I am just going with the flow, see where it takes me. No more "Choked with emotions". Let's get down to business and live life as it is!

I shall stop crapping now xx.

Leave some morphine at my door

Been trying to figure out what's wrong with myself. I feel numb in the mind, I'm not even kidding. I may be right here typing this, but I can tell you half of my concentration isn't even here. Feels like I'm dying. And no, I'm pretty sure I'm not on drugs. Oh well.

There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing and pleasing everyone and trying to fix every single thing. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.

Do you ever wake up, realise nobody likes you, and I don't know, care ?

I'm writing you this because I know if say what I have to say to your face, I will probably punch you right now.  Fucking hell it hurts so much seeing things I don't want to see or know.

I'm just saying you know. GOTTA LOVE LIFE LIKE WOOOOOO (Y)

All of my regrets are nothing new

I think I feel too strongly. Most of the time, I can't even comprehend why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I'm scared for no reason, nostalgic over the smallest things and lately, I've been jealous because of things that don't even matter. Even a single sentence which probably doesn't even have any meaning makes me feel like picking up my laptop and hurling it against a wall, and the feeling shakes me until I can't take it anymore and it all comes out like a volcanic eruption when really, it's only the equivalent a small wave, or a slight tremor. The way I perceive things is messed up, I take things much heavier than they should be taken.

Maybe it's because my expectations of people are too high, maybe it's because I just expect the best in everyone, and when I realize they're flawed, just like everyone else, I don't know the right way to handle it, even when it's happened so many times now. Or maybe it's because of the way I see the world- I always see people question unfamiliar things, they stop to worry about what if, and what could be when they could just leap, but the problem with leaping is you never stop to think about what obstacles you have to face on the way down.

The real question isn't why I feel this way though, it's whether I'm content with feeling this way. I wonder, what it feels like to be the kind of person that can make themselves not feel. I wonder what it's like to be the kind of person that doesn't care, that takes everything in their stride. I wonder, but I don't want to be. I suppose I'm alright with my overwhelming feelings because in the end, what am I supposed to do about it? It's not like I can flick a switch and turn my feelings off and I don't want to go to some psychiatric hospital to get my brain lobotomized or anything.

I guess there are some things I still have to learn- like acceptance, and more importantly, faith. I have faith in Allah, in my family, but I've been taught to have faith in those all my life. Now I need to learn how to have faith in others, and I need to learn how to do it on my own. Slowly, now.

There's always an exception

I don't know whether I can even put into words how much my mum means to me, but that doesn't mean I can't try. All my life I've been mostly with my mum. Through everything, she was the one holding my hand, telling me what to do, saying things would be okay. Now I'm older, you'd expect that to change-but it hasn't. No matter how much shit I do, my mum is still there guiding me, showing me the way when I can't see.

She's always been my shoulder to cry on, and she's always been so supportive. When I need something, she'll get it for me, when I need someone to talk to, she'll be there. She'll still be there with her supportive hugs and comforting words and I will never be thankful to anyone. I wish I could give my mom the world, and if I had one wish, I'd use it wishing that she'll always have everything she could possibly want and need.

Later in life, when I become a parent, I would be happy to be even half the mother my mom is. When I grow older, I want nothing more than to make her proud. I swear, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't try at all in school, I wouldn't bother at all, but I want her to have a daughter she'll be proud of.

I love you more than anything, mom. I'm sorry for anything I might have done that made you sad, that made you feel you haven't been a good parent, because you have. You've been a better mom to me than anyone else could ever be.


Happy Mother's Day ♥

 

A decade under the influence

You know sometimes mobile phones can get screwed up,so you plug out their batteries and put it back in , then they instataneously work out normally , the way it did before . I wish I can do that to my life , whenever something goes wrong , I can just plug out a virtual battery from my virtual plug , installed in my brain whenever shit happens and put it back in , where everything will work out just fine . Sad to say , such things do not exist in life .

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and not feel that awful , familiar ball of gut wrenching dread at the thought of another day . Another day of smiling , pleases and thank yous , do this do that , grin and bear it , 'I'm fine' , 'Get your head out of the clouds'. Another day of the same people and trivial problems and meaningless chatter , and everyone's talking and no one's listening , no one's looking and no one sees anything . Another day of day dreaming about the futures , another day of feeling helpless and stuck . 

I wish all of that would go away so I could just be free to travel , do what I want , think for myself , do something that scares me everyday . 

You give me the voice to say it out loud

Its not easy, you know, having to carry all these burden on your own two shoulders. Having to keep every single information you listen to, digest and think and boggle your mind on them, to find that one precise solution only for the best of your people. Having to sacrifice every single minute, every free hour which belongs to you for other people's importance, for other people's benefits, but for your own satisfaction. 

Having to churn whatever people say, ignoring your feelings inside, leaving aside everything you seem to like. Having to understand people and accept the fact that people will never understand you- all they know is that you need to be perfect. Having to wake up every single morning, forgetting yesterday's bitterness and willing to accept any form of challenge He wants you to face, no matter how high the tide might be. 

Having to cry in your heart and make sure no one listens because they say, 'Then, you'll lose your pride.'. Having to remind yourself that you're as strong as steel and as brave as a lion, that if anything happens to you, you know you have got the biggest faith in you and there is no chance you'll regret. Having to learn how to care less about yourself and give all the attention to the others because you know that they dearly need you. Having to consult and advise, looking all wise when you actually, dreadfully need the same thing, but they think you need none of it because they label you WISE. Having to look like the stupidest kid in class and admit that you are not a brainiac or a super genius to cope up with all this crap and lies. 

Having to walk your life with the heaviest, heartless heart being so sure that nobody is concerned about you to at least know that all you need is a lending help and pieces of comforting words to release some laughter and carve a smile on your crooked face. Having to alleviate the tense, fight for the right, free yourself from strangling conditions- between pressurizing people who only know how to find faults, they're blind to see every hardships that you've crawled.

I talk about this here, and no where else.

Trying to connect the dots

TO SEE ALL THE LIGHT FADES AWAY

Tighten your seat belts as you will go through a journey with sparkly accents and eccentric shades that enhances everything within 2011 ; WHISPERS AN OVERWHELMING INVITATION ! 2011 looks like a promising year :DD

I know this post is cliche but HAPPY NEW YEAR ♥

Lets kick some asses !

I don't live to please you

I've been really busy . Sorry for abandoning again . It's the fourth week of 2011 . It has been a biatch for me . No joke . Lately I feel as if I'm in a constant melancholic state . Nothing feels or seems important to me anymore . I've been trying to avoid such foul feeling , but all of these unfamiliar , vexation gestures around me just doesn't help that much . Thanks for making me feel like a total life ruiner , your verbal actions showed it all . Not just a particular person , but a bunch . And to be honest , I don't even have a slight mere of heart for any of you heinous kind of people . What happened to the phrase; "Never judge a book by its cover" that your parents have been educating you all this while ? 

Please , Oh dear God , please don't give me detachment for me to write as an epiphany .

I have never in my life , felt this way before . Like the whole world is turning it's back on me , stepping on me , spitting on me . Seeing me as a sinful , immoral person . Never . What have they done to me ? I have put myself in a shoe full of manners , and controllable anger . But they treat me this way back ?

If this is just a part of Allah's challenge to me , then I'll take it as it is , because I believe this all going to lead to something .

I was enchanted to meet you

There's only two more days left in 2010 . Time passes by fast . And I was like wow . 

So how was 2010 for me ? Much better than I expected . Last year , all that I could say about 2010 was "2010's gonna suck , EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS " . But really , this year hasn't been that bad .

I guess that brings us to how I've changed . Contrary to what most people believe , I'm not that open with my feelings as I was before . There are quite a number of people ( I liked to believe I trust ) who I do tell them what's on my mind especially when I'm feeling like crap , but there's a whole lot more to that . I've never really told anyone everything about myself . Obviously there are some things that you gotta keep to yourself right ? But what I mean is , I guess I don't trust anyone enough to tell them about how I really , really feel sometimes . Get me ? No ? I don't think so . Because at the end of the day , the only person you can trust is yourself . True in some ways , but sometimes I doubt if I can even trust myself . And it's hard to really trust others because when you do , you're putting yourself in risk of getting hurt . In fact , you know you're gonna get hurt eventually when you trust someone you know ? But I guess even so , there are some people who are worth getting hurt for . If we all understand that everyone has their own battle to fight , insecurities to face , loves to contend and goals to attain , the world would be a gentler place .

Damnit , I'm beginning to talk crap . What happened to the talk of 2010 ?

There's really nothing much to elaborate I guess . Studies ? We'll how that goes next year . Finger crossed .

When reality speaks

One day , this all will become a part of the past we reminisce and laugh at . All our problems now will seem insignificant , the result of being young and naive . One day , this too , will pass us by and life will go on , things will change . Despite that , I don't live for the future . I live for now , because to me , right now is the only time that I've been guaranteed . I can't say for sure that I'll be here tomorrow . The present and what you do in it will determine how your world transitions , which path forward it will take out the unfathomable amounts of paths it could . 

The point is , even though all my problems now will fade , and eventually become something to look back on , I can't help but worry about them , can't help but try and think of a solution even though I know I'm not going to find one as I'm not one for dramatics , so I suppose I'll sit this out and watch from the side lines . Fate twists and turns in ways we cannot imagine and will never be able to comprehend . Sometimes it defies all law and logic of life , turning the blackest darkness into light . Other times , it crushes hopes into sorrow , and all we can do is sit and watch . Some people accept fate the way it is , others try to attempt it and change themselves , but in the end what is meant to happen will happen , and what isn't never will .

Undeniable

Memories don't go away , they just fade . Like deep scars , you can still see them after they are gone , or at the very least , you can feel them . They're still there , just a little less obvious , a little less painful than before . Nothing ever fades away completely , nothing disintegrates and ceases to exist completely . Forgetting something isn't hard . It's impossible . Hiding the memories away so you can't see them anymore , or pretending like it never happened , now that's possible but nothing , absolutely nothing , can stop those memories from appearing time to time , when they're tired of being locked away . When something draws them out . 

Life comes with no erasers , only correction tape . Correction tape covers things up but they're still there .

Things that count

Sometimes I wish I can save myself from falling to the ground . Not just myself , everyone . I'm pretty sure that everyone is tired with things going wrong all the time . You know , sometimes , I just feel like running to some place far , a place with unfamiliar faces . Because some of these people , they make you sick , don't they ? Trust me , they just do . I am avid about things I cannot know . If I were allowed to have an ability , I would love to read people's thoughts . Each and everything that lingers on their brains . In this way , I can find out what people really think of me , what was their first impression towards me . I also would know who my real friends are , and not get pissed off and disappointed all the time . I would stay away from hypocritical people and the ones who tries to bring me down . I'm tired on depending , believing , having faith on an individual . 

They won't just watch your hope fall , they'll step on it too .

Running from tomorrow

I always have a fear that a good inception will lead to a loathsome ending . Holidays always perish all those heavenly dream of relaxation . I know it sounds ironic but it does to me . Not to be dramatic but I don't like the idea of being isolated , it makes my confidence drain out . That might sounds selfish but I just don't want infelicity to crawl up myself and making me feel miserable . All the misunderstandings between us ; I hope it's venial . More years to come ahead us and all that I hope is ; we will not too caught up with ourselves and keep anything apart & away from each other . 

May just love rive up the years and no regrets :) Insyaallah , Amin . And I am definitely keeping my fingers cross that all the bonds between us solidify even harder and stronger than before .

 

I thank God ; we are still close like siblings and we still have that jollity that we used to had ♥ To be honest I just can't afford of loosing such awesome peeps like you guys ; Quraisha and Diana ♥

Taking chances

It's like walking againts the sea waves . It may be the thing you fear the most , but at the same time , you feel the sea breeze blowing right up to your face . Breathe the fresh air you can never get at home , you get the chance to picture something beautiful and unimaginable . That is how life is for me now . Believing . Taking chances . Eventhough everything seems to tearing apart , I'm still standing strong , there may be some impossible things coming along the way , but I'd never give up . Life has taught me so much .

Breathing gets harder than I expected

Things aren't really easy for me nowdays but I will go through it all with all the patience I have . Surprisingly , I remember each and every word that comes out from your mouth . My mind is always lingering with the thoughts of you . Seems like it was yesterday that everything happened . Somehow the more I try the more I fail . Like wow owh wow , I'm not surprised . 

You wanna start to get this interesting ? We shall . Stop being immature asshole . I mean like you're not two , you're twelve . Don't make yourself look like crap . Like seriously , you keep on talking behind my back and pretending like it's normal . If there is a lower word than pathetic , it would describe you perfectly.

Talking to the moon

Something occured in my mind today . About doubts . What is doubt ? Different people give different definitions and opinions . As for me , it means the loss of faith , hope and trust towards a particular something or maybe someone . What are you without doubts ? What are we without doubts ? Most importantly , what am I without doubts ? I whispered to myself , I am completely nothing without doubts . In fact , I doubt almost everyone . Unless you're known for your trustworthy self , I might just have faith in you . Gaining my trust is something that's pretty easy to do . But loosing it and try gaining it back might be a problem .

Another side of me has gone

I'm never alive these days . Half of me just flew to nowhere . Some things just go , you know . But I am ready to face any consequences for the wrong choices I made , I feel rebellious at this point of moment , I feel like getting involved in everything I would not want to . Contravaning rules of life . I don't always feel this way before . I'm not scared to be different , not at all . Impressive I must say . Some people are just happy with themselves . I feel envious all the time like seriously . Some people just don't care about their appearances , what they wear , how they talk and walk . Nothing would go wrong as long as they're comfortable with it . Well I can never be that person . I'm too insecure about myself . I care about what people might say and think . 

As much as I try to deny it , it's true .

Now the world around you is listening

People tell you to just be yourself yet they still judge you . Sometimes , yes , living in our own imaginative tale is much more better . It won't stop a happy ever after . But facing the reality is something that's totally different than you could imagine .I'm just a girl next door who make mistakes through out my life . I have my ups and downs moments but I went through all of those . We can't pleased everyone isn't it ?